Turning Negative into Good

Often, out of our greatest rejection comes our greatest direction. Genesis 50:20

before I say what I want to say let me just get one thing clear, there is some very raw and honest things in here. this is not for the light hearted. I have been holding off posting this on my blog due to certain people very close to me seeing this and getting the wrong ideas, like My parents, aunts, etc. I didn't want them to see this, begin to worry and then come to me in a panic, ask me if I'm ok and then ask me to explain things to them. That is not what this blog is for. Not to add more stress to my life, but to share my life and experience with others outside of my world. And hopefully to give and gain hope and encouragement back. Lets begin.

For a very long while now I have been feeling like a major failure. A failure in school, a failure life, and partially even a failure as a wife.

Back before I broke my Leg I was a pre nursing student with tons of passion and drive for the human body and the knowledge I could gain. I loved what I was learning and I loved where I was headed. I was on a path, and I knew where I was going to be in 10 years: I would have a bachelors in nursing and I would still be married to the most wonderful man ever, and we would be living in a wonderful home of our own, because I would have a career.

Then slowly, my migraines started coming back. They would come after class. and some during class, but I could take some excedrine migraine and then they would go away. Pretty soon the migraines got worse and I had to add naproxen, because they started becoming sinus migraines in combination with regular migraines. That medicine combo seemed to help. I would take naproxen during class, after class, and at night. Pretty soon, neither were helping. I began to have to leave lecures and labs early and I had to study longer and harder at home because my grades were slipping, FAST. I began throwing up in the afternoons and at night times because the pain was so unbearable and I could barely eat saltines or chicken noodle soups. At this point to stay in the game I was studying for about 6hrs a day every day and still getting D's. I couldn't focus or comprehend anything with my migraines, I just couldn't retain any information. I made flash cards, Talked to my Professor, saw a tutor, nothing helped. I was doing everything in my natural powers to pass, but I was still failing. I had no life, I was staying away from friends who wanted to hang, and my husband who missed me. I was drowning in school and in pain. and there was nothing I could do. Nights before every exam were the worst. High levels of stress triggers the worse migraines for me. I threw up from the worst migraines about 3 days in a row before every big exam. I had to lay in a dark room with it very quiet. So I guess its no surprise to you dear readers that I failed every exam. I had to take several classes over again. This was draining me, physically and emotionally.

Then, On my 3rd wedding anniversary my husband surprised me by whisking us off to Disneyland, where we also spent our honeymoon (its my favorite place in the world). We had a blast! As one usually does in Disneyland. Now as a reminder, I have a big metal rod in my leg that they just replace the old rod with. As we were walking around, it almost became agonizing for me. My leg had an unusually horrific pain up high near the head of the femur. Walking in Disneyland was starting to become unbearable for me. With my teary eyes I looked over at Ricky so hesitantly, not wanting to say anything because I didn't want to ruin the trip, I told him I was in pain. We decided to sit down and rest. When we got up it was still hurting the same as ever. I took some vicodin I had in my purse that the Dr had finally prescribed for my migraines. It helped just enough for me to brush the pain off so I could let adrenaline take over due to the fact that we were in freakin Disneyland!

When we got home from our trip we went to the hospital cause my leg was hurting more and more. But the pain had some how, oddly enough, switched to my knee. They did x-rays on my femur (which I have broken 3 times before hand) and on my knee. When the Dr in the emergency room came into greet us he said, "well after looking at your x-rays, your femur is definitely broken." WOAH.....what??? I mean I know I have a bone disease but I'm walking on my leg and my knee hurts. The Dr mentioned that pain can transfer to the knee due to a person walking differently because of the pain in their leg. I asked to see the x-ray, and sure enough it was broken, and a very big break for walking around Disneyland too. He probably had about 3 or 4 Dr's with my x-ray all pulled up on their computer screens just baffled at the fact that someone could break their femur with a metal rod in it...by walking non the less.

So I broke my Femur in Aug 2011 and it is now May 17, 2012. Its been 8 months and I'm still on crutches, at home with migraines, not as bad thank God. But as far as nursing Ive decided its not for me. I gave it my ALL....no one could have given more of them selves to one thing then I did to pre-nursing and it just wasn't working. That's what makes me feel like a failure. I did everything I could do and I still failed. honestly, I'm terrified to go back to school again. What if my migraines come back, what if I fail again? and what If everything is fine...I'm just scared of school right now. Im not ready to go back and that's ok. when I do go back I will be taking art classes to pursue my art further.

As far as feeling like a failure in life and as a wife. my birthday is in 2 days, and I will be 25, And I have really nothing to show for it. At least thats how I feel. (Thats not how Ricky makes me feel. He says the exact opposite) Because of all my set backs I haven't been given the fair chance of being able to map out a path and a goal and follow through with it. and that makes me feel like I haven't accomplished much. And as far as being a wife, I don't feel like I contribute much because I cant. I haven't been able to work and bring in any income. Ricky takes care of me which he says he's here for and he would do anything for me. which he proves over and over everyday. But I'm independent to a point where I don't want him to have to feel pressure to always have to have that burden on him. And one day I wish I could take that burden off of him. But with my disease I don't think I'll ever be able too.

Right now in this point in time I think Ive decided to get a job in makeup. everyone, as in my friends and family, says I would be great. Ricky says no matter what I decide to do in life He will support me 100%. And to me there is nothing greater than that.

My Birthday is in two days and I turn 25. I'm expecting this year to be different. I'm going to be different. I'm to the point where my leg is slowly on its way to recovery and I'll be able to get a job soon. We got a puppy which couldn't bring more joy to my life, he is so amazing, and really helping take my focus off of myself. And I know God will show me what he wants me to do in life, obviously I was supposed to take pre-nursing for a reason, but now He has another plan for my life. I have no doubt this year is going to be so much better.